If you're ready for a zombie apocalypse, then you're ready for any emergency. emergency.cdc.gov
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Saturday, July 21, 2012

Interview with a Zombie

In lieu of all the recent zombie scares lately, I went on a search to locate such a creature and found out what they are really like, and I have to say, some of them are just scared citizens who had a tripwire released inside their brains and are now poising a non-real threat to local communities everywhere. I was fortunate enough to find a zombie willing to talk, and not eat, me. It's not as bad as we thought. Here is how it went:

SP: When did you first realize you had become a zombie?

ZOM: I woke up one morning with this horrific headache. My alarm had been going off for some time, so I reached over and ended up smashing it to pieces. I felt real sluggish and didn't want to get out of bed. Work was calling, but seeing as how I was already late, I just didn't care. I ambled my way down to the kitchen and had trouble processing where I was and why I was there. It didn't matter that a plate of eggs and bacon was waiting. I ate with ferocity, turned to my significant other, and said "I...I...no work...today." And I didn't go ever again; instead, I found new friends and hung out in the park, apparently scaring people with my lifeless eyes and gaunt expression.

SP: Is anyone else in your family or circle of friends a zombie?

ZOM: Absolutely not! I spent years of misery with them. Why would I want to spend the rest of my zombie years like that?

SP: Can you tell us what being a zombie is all about?

ZOM: I stumble around, half the time not knowing where I am. It's the all-time high. I feel invincible. The only time I feel any emotion at all is when people are running scared when they see me. Sometimes I get the urge to feed upon that hunger, but as long as they stay away during those times, I'm good.

SP: What kind of effect has the media "zombies" had on the real zombie community today?

ZOM: It's horrible, I tell you. They portray us as brain-eating undead animals who should be taken down with a bullet to the head. 

SP: And you're not?

ZOM: Would I be sitting here talking to you now if I was? I'd be smacking on your flesh right about now. We have gotten a poor rap because of television, books, and newspapers. I'll agree, though, that there are some renegade zombies out there who enjoy ripping chunks of flesh from their victims faces, but most of us are just regular citizens who want to be left alone. We get hungry and can't help it, so share some food with us, and we'll be good, or else we have to hunt and grab our own, if you know what I mean.

SP: What do you like best about being a zombie? What do you like the least of?

ZOM: The best thing is not having a care in the world. No responsibilities; no jobs; no relationships. It's just me and the world. As for my least favorite thing is the kids who throw stones at me and the gun-toters that try to kill me.

SP: There have been several zombie-related stories in the news lately. Do you have any comments about that?

ZOM: It's the drugs, man. Kids, stay away from drugs or you just may end up eating someone's face off.

SP: How did you become a zombie?

ZOM: I don't know. Something inside my brain just snapped and I didn't want to do anything anymore. It's like lying on a beach watching the ocean come rolling in day after day. I'm at peace now and it feels really good. 

SP: Thank you for a wonderful interview. Do you have any last comments to share with our readers?

ZOM: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Stop the stereotyping. We are just like any other group. Some of us are bad to the bone; others just want go about their business. Don't hunt us down like dogs just because we choose to wear the title ZOMBIE. We are ordinary citizens like you, except that we are lazy and sluggish -- the bane of all human existence. So what if we look scary? I've seen some pretty mean looking lawyers in my time but we don't go around shooting them, do we? A few bad apples may spoil the bunch, but if people keep doing what they are doing, eventually the bunch will turn sour and then there really will be a zombie apocalypse to worry about.

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