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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Road Fury

So I was cruising along on the main road, listening to Barry Manilow because that was the only thing on the radio and I left my Metallica CD in my other car (as if!). The speed limit was 45 mph. I was going approximately 55 in the slow lane and there were no other cars on the road when suddenly the Road Runner zooms up behind me. Now remember, there is another lane and no other cars going my way, but yet Road Runner insists on riding my tail, all the way to the light, which changes to red before I get there. I stop and watch in my rearview mirror as Road Runner makes an obscene gesture toward me. The second the light changes, and I mean the split second it hits green, Road Runner gives me his infamous “beep beep”, so I do what the normal thing to do is. I start up real slow-like, crawling along, barely stepping on the accelerator. I’m happy to see Road Runner speed around me and disappear into a cloud of exhaust.

I up my speed back to the old expressway limit of 55 mph. By now, I have that stupid Manilow song spinning around in my head so I have no choice but to give in and start singing, way off key, of course. I see something hurtling toward me in my rearview mirror. It’s coming at me real fast. I’m wondering if I should pull over, but before I can, a torpedo zips past me. I figured it must have been doing a good 85 mph or so. It’s gone before I can gather the rest of my thoughts. I’m sure I’ll see an accident up the road aways, though, and get a glimpse of the torpedo that caused it.

Now I get stuck at another red light. Traffic is starting to pile up behind me now. At least I’m not alone anymore. A white van pulls up behind me. He’s got his right flasher going. Normally, that wouldn’t bother me, except this buffoon starts honking his horn at me. I’m going straight and last I checked, a red light means you have to stop. Is he color blind or something? I can just see it now: “Sorry, Officer, but I had no choice but to shoot through that red light. You see, the guy behind me had a bee in his car and apparently it must have flown into his pants. He had to get off the road quickly, so I rushed to get out of the way.” Yep, that would go over real good with the police.

Okay, so I finally managed to get off the main road. I’m going 25 mph now on the side street and guess what? Road Runner is back, or is it another one? We’re on the side street now, folks. Kids are playing outside, dogs are running around, and people are riding their bikes. The speed limit is slower, so slow down!

I’m coming up to an intersection. My way doesn’t have a stop sign, but the other way does. I’m a second away from crossing the intersection when an idiot on a bike rides right through his stop sign. Hello there! Do you want a one-way ticket to the county morgue or what?

I’m finally glad when I arrive home because now I can pry my fingers off their stranglehold on the steering wheel and relax. It’s great to get out of the car, at least I thought until I tried to cross my sidewalk and a speeding youngster almost runs me down with his tricycle.

Is there anyone left in the universe who isn’t in a hurry these days?

Monday, April 16, 2007

Exercise: Honor Thy Neighbor (Or Not!)

It seems that almost everyone will have some sort of confrontation or altercation with a neighbor at one point or another in their life. For this exercise, I want you to use that altercation and blow it way out of proportion. Get even with the neighbor that has house parties way into the night, the idiot that takes up all the parking on the street, the rude person that lets his dog bark constantly, the creep that is always treading on your grass but won't allow anyone to step foot on his, or the crazy builder that is outside your window pounding night and day. This town isn't big enough for the two of you, so show us what you would do to people that are inconsiderate of the neighbors around them. Give it your best shot!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Alien Song

Just a little break from the norm. Enjoy this cute little video: